Relativity

Here is how my mind plays tricks on me:

Yesterday morning at the conclusion of the interview with the company's CEO, he gathered his papers and said, "We should be getting you an offer this afternoon or in the morning." I have these words memorized.

After that, I spent the day thinking, "This is great! He asked all kinds of questions revealing my personality, like what flaw I thought my favorite manager would say I have; I told them I can be a little high-strung. I admitted what Jim or Eric really probably would tell them, and he said he's intense too--so I'll fit in. I passed the test. I was honest, and I did the right thing, and they still want me! I am validated!"

As of midnight the day after, I still have not heard anything from them. Maybe he was really saying, "[If we want you] we should be getting you an offer."....

I have spent most of the day thinking, "I make jokes about my instigations. But I really must have a terrible personality, and am also stupid enough to let people see that. I was so gullible, and I played right into his trap. It didn't matter what personal flaws he admitted; it matters what I admitted I am! Dear God, why was I too stupid to see it was a game?" And in the back of my mind was Don's statements that I am intense, Jekyll and Hyde, have a strong personality, and am very emotional.

The torture is horrible; it's debilitating to think your very makeup is anatherma to others and will always hold you back.

But both frames of mind really are relative.

A single drop of water

The past three weeks, I've maintained a high level of emotional and mental energy, inspiring others and myself. I've willed the wheels of my life into motion--and that has convinced me that I have a direction. I've felt as though the wind of fate has lifted and carried me as a reward for well-chosen timing and position.

But I don't feel the energy today. In fact, I feel an empty space where it has been, a drawing back. This tells me there is no real momentum, yet.

Determination has always been my locomotive. But emotions have always been the engine's fire power. And if the fire is dampened by doubt, I go nowhere.

Nascent

I sit here on the edge of my bed, about to put my bare feet down on a new phase in life.

I have a second job interview with an amazing company on Monday--one involved in social informatics. (Who knew something that cool existed??) I stand a very good chance of winning the position.

My contract job is two weeks away from ending.

I ended things last week with my longtime boyfriend--a deep love--but still six years of going nowhere as years drained away.

I feel like I'm waking up from a fitful sleep--emotions, long dulled and muted; efficacy, long denied and atrophied; body, long neglected: now I can feel again, exhale, and work on all eight cylinders. I don't have to try so hard to be something I'll never be. Instead, I can be what I never thought I could.

Happiness is good

Happiness is a good goal. This newsflash is brought to you from the depths of depression and denial.